Nuggets and Notions: A Grand Journey: Timescapes and Records from this Little Life

 I am in limbo. I think I've been in limbo since September. I have been floating in a completely consuming state of inactivity. When there's no distractions, it's easy for me to slip into patterns of negative self talk and extreme bouts of internalized anxiety. Yesterday when I left for work I was convinced that the wind would push the door open and the cat would run away and get run over by a truck. The day before that, a fire would burn down the entire house because I couldn't remember if i unplugged the electric blanket (i did), kill the cat, and I would be homeless. I can recognize these spirals as anxiety associated with leaving home and also generalized anxiety, but can still struggle to dig my way out of the thought patterns.  Today I woke up with more energy and clarity, even though I've been sleeping consistently for 9.5-11 hours every night. Most days, I wake up not feeling rested. Sometimes I think it's because I'm getting TOO much sleep. But secr...

 Things that have been making me feel happy: coffee in the pot with good creamer to go with new books from the library cat warm in bed pawing at my face company that makes me feel happy and full of love grocery shopping planning yummy meal prep laughing with my belly warm socks fresh out of the dryer my favorite shampoo new hairstyle perfume that sticks onto my worn clothes snow that melts away in the november sun finding cat whiskers getting fun mail from friends buying stamps telling people to have a great day the oil tank still being nearly full knitting going for walks and waving at passing cars wind that makes my cheeks flush red new podcast episodes paint and old paint brushes pants that fit just right big burritos sauerkraut  putting on chapstick stretching the smell of smoke from people's wood-burning houses deer crossing my path roasted veggies car rides trash day freshly made beds the geese that shit on my lawn the color orange

 . i have varicose veins on my inner right ankle . sometimes when i think im hungry im actually thirsty . my voice can only last about 10 hours before it gets hoarse . daily bananas are good for body+brain . i carry tension in my shoulders . my feet feel best when they are bare . good quality socks are actually really important . i need chapstick before bed (and handlotion) . it feels better to read than scroll (duh. but sometimes its hard) . ice cream mostly tastes good when its homemade. . short hair is practical, yet challenging to style . i always feel better when im outside . i can widthstand extremely hot temperatures (but with get a rash if i don't wipe the sweat away) . i hate conspiracy theories .i shake with anxiety when its too loud in the morning . a happy dance always helps . my pimples emerge when im stressed . my bowel movements become unpredictable when im stressed .im bloated when im stressed .fresh flowers help .the sound of the ocean balances my nervous system .l...

 it might turn out that having everyone like you is a red flag. This is a discovery I am making over an over again as I enter new phases of life. maybe, actually, having some enemies is a sign of strong moral character. maybe, not having everyone agree with you and getting some pushback (and then PUSHING back) is a strength. look, i know that this is all common sense. But i am a people pleaser. I have always been a people pleaser, control freak, and nervous wreck. This triple threat combo has made me into a pushover, an ass kisser, and an emotional manipulator. Manipulator?! yep! I know exactly how to word things depending on your social cues to persuade some form of agreement. I know exactly how to fucking pull strings and smile at just the right time.  Since moving to Maine i have developed some relationships that aren't built on a mutual admiration and/or friendship. In fact, I would pretty confidently state that there are a handful of people here that don't like me. And he...

 evening comes in the form of face lotion and q-tips after many hours of boiling hot oil, beef, pickles on the side, and sweat. Vocal cords are shot from yelling expo orders since 11:00 am.  the rabbit you hit on the way home lays in the ditch. you drug it to the curb so it could be in peace. guilty for its life caught between the rubber and asphalt. rinse the bug spray and stink off. use conditioner even though you'll wash tomorrow morning. exhale deeply. have a beer. put on bon iver even though you don't like him a whole lot but he reminds you of home. i have worn my favorite perfume to bed on the hardest nights. A bottle gifted and cherished so deeply that it might go sour from not being worn.  We must (must!!) use the gifts we love most! I have come to realize that gifts are meant to be cherished in their use. Olfactory senses are a large trigger of memory. i sit far away from home and find myself reaching for special perfumes more often than I have ever done before. ...

 when you work 40+ hours a week time melts away into nothing. it is meaningless. Wednesdays and Thursdays have been set aside as my weekends, and yet these days feel surreal. I am out of sync with the world. It's the middle of week five in Maine, and summer is taking its time on the coast. I've been hiking, I've done some minor travel. It's hard to do without company sometimes.  Yesterday was one of my first bad days. I'm starting to really have the weight of post-grad slump onto me. I miss my college friends, and I miss living with seven people who could constantly provide me with companionship. I miss my cat. I'm going to get a haircut today. I'm going to book a tattoo appointment with this cool queer artist in portland. I am needing to get out of the house and laugh. My physical practice has been put on hold due to time constraints. But I am gathering a lot of external knowledge that will inform the art I make when I get to a point where I feel i can do i...

 big exhale. A long and difficult morning full of tears of both joy and maybe tears of fear or sadness or something else i can't put my finger on. currently stationed in Birch harbor Maine, typing furiously because I've been dreading reconnecting with the rest of the world. Sitting in a chair a woman died in a year ago. It's comfortable. Clouds roll in and out over the water. It's 9:38 am.  Sometimes change that has been planned happens so fast you barely even see it happen. Ploop! Here I am in paradise! Ploop! Suddenly the brief vacation that Mom and I were having turns into an actual life I'm living. Woah! I don't wan't to necessarily slow down, I just need to catch my breath. As expected, the last two weeks of school destroyed my immune system. I can't believe humans weren't made to be working nonstop from 5:30-8pm every day. I'm sniffling and coughing a bit but that seems to be the only symptoms of this slight cold. Recap: had an amazing resi...