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Utterly One-of-a-kind (how to keep moving)

 

    Yes, the show was truly spectacular. I have had some days now to reflect on the short week and a half that the wagon was allowed to live.

This project was a part of me. Building it felt like growing a new limb. The wagon was a rib pulled from my body and granted a very temporary life. Putting it together was like a symphony, a grand moment where everything I had planned went right. It was serendipity. Almost never does a project go as well as this one did. 

I have never before dedicated this much time and effort into a single thing. This project took precedence over my life for months on end. This wagon was created as the seasons changed, as summer days turned into an icy and cold landscape. 
On de-install day last week it felt like I was stripping the life-force out of a baby. The wagon was pure, I had grown emotionally attached to it (i am almost never so closely attached to my work). But it had an expiration date. I had known all along that it's existence was only meant to be for a handful of fleeting days. But still it's deconstruction took a chunk out of me. I am still grieving. There was something so surreal about pulling that canvas off its stretchers (in a way pulling the skin off of bones).

Days to rest have been numbered, I have absorbed as much time as I can to regroup and refuel my tired body. Being without such a heavy burden has not felt light, I just feel like I'm missing something.

The residency now must drag me to the finish line. I am excited to continue to make art for this body of work. but feel like I'm treading water when there's still a whole lake to swim across. I feel like i need a break but the race isn't half over.

If I was a marathon runner and this life of mine was a marathon, now is the time to suck one of those energy goos into my mouth and find my pace again. 

It will be difficult at first. I'm dragging my feet both literally and metaphorically, but if i keep struggling sooner or later I'll find the nugget to keep me moving.

I applied for a job post grad I really want, and this feeling of what comes next makes me hungry to make it to spring. 

I'll get my ass back into studio tomorrow, I promise. But for now, I'm going to exhale deeply a few more times, swallow one more deep breath, and prepare to dive back into the cold waters.

It is my last semester, I can't let it get to me now-and I won't- but I like the drama of the last push before making it to the end.

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