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April 29: Burning the Fog

 Greetings, 

We might be strangers again. I did not intend to put this blog down but my spring semester turned into a giant shit show. I haven't had time to shower and eat, let alone sit down and reflect.

Well, this is the last week of my junior year. here I am, sent through the ringer. Finals approach and I'm faced with more time than I know what to do with and somehow even that manages to stress me out. What am I going to do with my time now that it's not full of work and school? 

It is impossible to work two jobs and go to school full time, America. I hate that I have to do this in order to feed myself. Everyone around me feels the pressure too, we all hurt together.

I burnout every winter, usually in march when it's been cold and snowy for too long. I cry on the phone with my mom, she usually doesn't know what to say other than,"i'm sorry."

The burnout this year was significant, and I'm still very much in it. Everything takes a long time to do, I am motivated by nothing, I eat nothing and eat everything but mostly just feel very numb by it all right now, I have no energy left to be overwhelmed by the overwhelm.

I got a solo show. On friday I find out if i was also granted the residency. these applications have been something I've anticipated for the last two and a half years. And I got a solo show. I'm doing okay.

Two jobs over the summer, one is in the Cities, the other is the same job I've been working. Slinging pasta salad one day and watching a gallery the next. 

I'm on the right track.

There's too much to write about, a lot of grief and gratitude and pressure. Nervous and excited and dreading everything right now, I'm all over the place. 

Single now and loving every second of it. I'm dating myself and it's been healthy. I'll write about that later.

With a sigh,

Ellie

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