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AUGUST 2: DOOMSCROLL

 Good evening to the void,the world wide web,the lost connections of wires.

When I write these posts it feels a lot like I'm throwing something into the void. Hoping maybe that it'll land somewhere and I might hear the echo.

Anyways, I wipe the bits of chocolate that got on my screen earlier while doing notes and continue on. I'm not here to write about the deep contemplative topic that is the internet, I'm here to write about doom-scrolling. But a very specific version of doom-scrolling, which is looking at the social media pages of the people you went to high school with. You know when someone from your past pops into your head, and then you start thinking of everyone else from your past and then you have the AUDACITY to go onto instagram, find someone from high school who has a public account, and then go through their followers list and just look...at everyone you remember.

and you see what they've been up to. that some are going to be attending the same college as you. that they're dating THAT person, who did that horrible thing once and who doesn't seem like they should ever be worthy of the universe forgiving them? 

It makes my stomach drop.

Looking at where all of these people are makes me feel really gross. I start to feel my skin and everything just feels wrong and I dont know exactly why maybe I should talk to a therapist about it but my free therapy is all the way back home so im writing this. deep breath.

Just me? okay cool.

It's totally unhealthy to look back at these people because I'm at that weird in-between stage of time-distance from them. It's been three years (okay technically 2 and a half) now since I've graduated high school. I'm not quite done with college, I still visit my parents in my hometown regularly. Im so far away but so close to that stage of my life at the same time, and these people that went through those years with me are...somewhere else...probably feeling the same way about me living my life over here. 

and once I finally sucked myself out of the doom-scroll, shut off my phone and sat with myself in the silence of the empty flat, one could say that my life flashed a little bit. Everything from before 2 and a half years ago feels..wasted? non-monumental. High school was far from significant for me. It was just a period of time where it felt largely like i was waiting to get out. I'm here now, doing everything I want to do with my life in this stage... and other people are getting engaged, having babies... on a totally different track

theres screaming outside, hold on a sec. 

all good, just a party.

I just feel gross I guess, shook myself out of that one. Back to reality. 

I have to remind myself that I purged all of those people from my social media accounts for a reason.

This one's gonna be weird to post, but I only live once and if my old highschool friends happen to see this then..hi..i stalked your public instagram page and you should probably make it private. And you should take a deep breath and stop doomscrolling too because thats the only reason why youre here, probably. 


Oh, and for the sake of visual entertainment, here's a picture of me from highschool taken by one of my friends when she got a new camera and couldn't quite get it in focus:


I love you, Ellie, you can do this.

-E




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