Nuggets and Notions: A Grand Journey: Timescapes and Records from this Little Life

 Dear Blog, I watched the tide rise this morning as I sipped my coffee and continued to obsessively calculate how long It'll be until my student loans are paid off. (too long unfortunately) Updates for me:  1. I'm still burnt out, but thankfully the burnout has moved into the work portion of my life and has allowed for me to find inspiration within the creative/professional side of things. These days, all I want to do is stay in the house and paint--Which is great for my spirit, but working the long hours that I do has gotten in the way of my creative process and has left me feeling frustrated. I wish I could just work a 40 hour work week like normal people do...it would allow me the time to come home after work and still have the energy to paint productively. Instead, I've been pushing through and painting when I have no gas left in the tank, and the results of this work have been proving to make some raw and honest pieces. I'm excited about this body of work, which mo...

good morning from Downeast Maine. its 9 am, i've gotten through the shower, read a little bit, have drank a substantial ammount of coffee, and did 30 minutes of yoga. not off to a bad start. my hiatus is starting to come to an end. I feel it internally.  I have spent the last week sick as a dog. I developed a headcold that became some serious laryngitis. my voice was taken from me. luckily, I finally had a good sleep on day 9 of my illness and woke up feeling like the fog was lifiting. Spending a week under the weather feels like being wrapped in a stifling blanket. No talking, no moving, clearing mucus, a general dull sense of pain that never really seems to get better despite the dayquil, nyquil, and constant doses of ibuprofen. being sick helps us to realize how grateful to be when we are in good health. Today is day three of finally being back to reasonable health and my body is hungry for activity, it's like my vessel has regained it's freedom and is yearning to stretc...

 I am in limbo. I think I've been in limbo since September. I have been floating in a completely consuming state of inactivity. When there's no distractions, it's easy for me to slip into patterns of negative self talk and extreme bouts of internalized anxiety. Yesterday when I left for work I was convinced that the wind would push the door open and the cat would run away and get run over by a truck. The day before that, a fire would burn down the entire house because I couldn't remember if i unplugged the electric blanket (i did), kill the cat, and I would be homeless. I can recognize these spirals as anxiety associated with leaving home and also generalized anxiety, but can still struggle to dig my way out of the thought patterns.  Today I woke up with more energy and clarity, even though I've been sleeping consistently for 9.5-11 hours every night. Most days, I wake up not feeling rested. Sometimes I think it's because I'm getting TOO much sleep. But secr...

 Things that have been making me feel happy: coffee in the pot with good creamer to go with new books from the library cat warm in bed pawing at my face company that makes me feel happy and full of love grocery shopping planning yummy meal prep laughing with my belly warm socks fresh out of the dryer my favorite shampoo new hairstyle perfume that sticks onto my worn clothes snow that melts away in the november sun finding cat whiskers getting fun mail from friends buying stamps telling people to have a great day the oil tank still being nearly full knitting going for walks and waving at passing cars wind that makes my cheeks flush red new podcast episodes paint and old paint brushes pants that fit just right big burritos sauerkraut  putting on chapstick stretching the smell of smoke from people's wood-burning houses deer crossing my path roasted veggies car rides trash day freshly made beds the geese that shit on my lawn the color orange

 . i have varicose veins on my inner right ankle . sometimes when i think im hungry im actually thirsty . my voice can only last about 10 hours before it gets hoarse . daily bananas are good for body+brain . i carry tension in my shoulders . my feet feel best when they are bare . good quality socks are actually really important . i need chapstick before bed (and handlotion) . it feels better to read than scroll (duh. but sometimes its hard) . ice cream mostly tastes good when its homemade. . short hair is practical, yet challenging to style . i always feel better when im outside . i can widthstand extremely hot temperatures (but with get a rash if i don't wipe the sweat away) . i hate conspiracy theories .i shake with anxiety when its too loud in the morning . a happy dance always helps . my pimples emerge when im stressed . my bowel movements become unpredictable when im stressed .im bloated when im stressed .fresh flowers help .the sound of the ocean balances my nervous system .l...

 it might turn out that having everyone like you is a red flag. This is a discovery I am making over an over again as I enter new phases of life. maybe, actually, having some enemies is a sign of strong moral character. maybe, not having everyone agree with you and getting some pushback (and then PUSHING back) is a strength. look, i know that this is all common sense. But i am a people pleaser. I have always been a people pleaser, control freak, and nervous wreck. This triple threat combo has made me into a pushover, an ass kisser, and an emotional manipulator. Manipulator?! yep! I know exactly how to word things depending on your social cues to persuade some form of agreement. I know exactly how to fucking pull strings and smile at just the right time.  Since moving to Maine i have developed some relationships that aren't built on a mutual admiration and/or friendship. In fact, I would pretty confidently state that there are a handful of people here that don't like me. And he...

 evening comes in the form of face lotion and q-tips after many hours of boiling hot oil, beef, pickles on the side, and sweat. Vocal cords are shot from yelling expo orders since 11:00 am.  the rabbit you hit on the way home lays in the ditch. you drug it to the curb so it could be in peace. guilty for its life caught between the rubber and asphalt. rinse the bug spray and stink off. use conditioner even though you'll wash tomorrow morning. exhale deeply. have a beer. put on bon iver even though you don't like him a whole lot but he reminds you of home. i have worn my favorite perfume to bed on the hardest nights. A bottle gifted and cherished so deeply that it might go sour from not being worn.  We must (must!!) use the gifts we love most! I have come to realize that gifts are meant to be cherished in their use. Olfactory senses are a large trigger of memory. i sit far away from home and find myself reaching for special perfumes more often than I have ever done before. ...