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OCTOBER 3: the waves crash and suddenly I am dislodged from these two rocks.

 My dad sends me this picture of the moon just before dawn.


And I chat on the phone with my partner about how my parents have been relishing life and living slowly after they became empty nesters.

Life has been good lately, for one whole week it felt as if my ship was firmly anchored. But the rope has twisted into knots today, and I'm blown out back to sea.

There is nothing worse than wondering if your thoughts are your own or your hormones, it is for this reason that i loathe my uterus and wish that it was no longer a part of this god forsaken body. I loathe the fact that I got skinny and felt better when I went off my birth control and two days after being back on it I am bloated, horny, angry, and having a full blown crisis.

I wish i was not a woman.

I wish i didn't have to consider chopping of these cartoonishly sized breasts, I wish that they werent here in the first place.

I wish I didn't feel at competition with another specific non-binary person.

I just wish i could be stable, warm and cozy between these two rocks, waves lapping gently against me, starfish and anemones caressing me in the tide pool.

I wish for a single still day, where the sun is blistering hot and there's nothing better to do than lay in scalding sand and drink coconut water. 

The waves crash against me, I feel like rotting away as they drag me with the current. 

I wake up.

I roll around in bed, tired and unmotivated,

eventually I get restless and drag my sorry ass to the shower where the water hits me and I immediately feel awake. Coffee, stretch, eat a good enough breakfast. 

i carefully expect my side profile in the mirror, searching for signs that I might be shaving off those last few pounds that will make me feel like myself again, looking to see if any of that weight might be going from my breasts. this scrutiny usually ends with me reeling in body dysphoria, feeling fatter than I've ever been, especially in my thighs.

I don't like my body, but i like that i get to live in it.

I have fruitless and tiring conversations via the internet, just wishing that these small observations could be said in person, and that i didn't have to type "yay" with only my thumb.


I'm growing tired of having my loved ones far way. I hate the internet and i hate that if i leave it many people will be mad at me for not staying in touch.


I hate that I dont know if these emotions are even mine.  

and i hate that i only got one good week before these feelings came back and hit me so hard.


I wish i could be living slow, like my parents, appreciating the beauty between the cattails and reeds.

I dont know what to feel.


good:
adj.

1. to be desired or approved of.

2. having the required qualities; of a high standard.





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