I am in limbo. I think I've been in limbo since September. I have been floating in a completely consuming state of inactivity. When there's no distractions, it's easy for me to slip into patterns of negative self talk and extreme bouts of internalized anxiety. Yesterday when I left for work I was convinced that the wind would push the door open and the cat would run away and get run over by a truck. The day before that, a fire would burn down the entire house because I couldn't remember if i unplugged the electric blanket (i did), kill the cat, and I would be homeless. I can recognize these spirals as anxiety associated with leaving home and also generalized anxiety, but can still struggle to dig my way out of the thought patterns.
Today I woke up with more energy and clarity, even though I've been sleeping consistently for 9.5-11 hours every night. Most days, I wake up not feeling rested. Sometimes I think it's because I'm getting TOO much sleep. But secretly I know it's because of depression. This morning I'm trying to make a plan for action. How do you find ways to push yourself when you feel like you are your greatest enemy?
Step one. Become a cheerleader for yourself, not a punisher.
I have gained a lot of weight since may, no doubt due to drinking more and moving less. For the last four month i've looked in the mirror and called myself all sorts of terrible names. Wow! I feel so good about myself when I've been calling myself a fat pig! So...that needs to change. I know i need to drink less and move more, so I will. I am grateful to have a body that breathes and moves and works, and that is a joy and blessing. I have been treating my temple like shit, but I should not be punished because of this, rather need to take small steps to nourish and build myself back up. I stretched and did yoga for 5 minutes this morning, and only had one cup of coffee with creamer in it. Small wins, and nothing to scoff at.
I haven't made any substantial art, even though I have the materials and space to do so. So many people in my life have been badgering me to make art that is easily consumable. Little watercolor cards and prints that would sell. And honestly? I dont give a shit right now about making art that people will like or want to buy. I need to figure out what kind of art comes to me and feels good to make. I don't have any artistic community here and have found it extremely difficult to be let in. So I am alone, and making art in solitude is so different than what I'm used to...a community that uplifts each other and encourages creative thinking and encourages differences. This places seems to focus on conformity and predictability. I haven't found my people here.
So there's no external motivation for me to make, and I need to find some internal motivation. It will come, with time, and with action. Small steps, and making sure that when i start making again it won't have the pressure to make things that are amazing or widely loved or easily sold.
Lately I really do just hate myself, but know that I am all that I have. Slowly I will start finding the ways that I love me again. Crazy how in less than I year I have gone from feeling like a superstar to a total dirtbag piece of shit. Step one is the become a cheerleader for myself. I am not in charge of making myself feel bad.
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