good morning from Downeast Maine. its 9 am, i've gotten through the shower, read a little bit, have drank a substantial ammount of coffee, and did 30 minutes of yoga. not off to a bad start.
my hiatus is starting to come to an end. I feel it internally.
I have spent the last week sick as a dog. I developed a headcold that became some serious laryngitis. my voice was taken from me. luckily, I finally had a good sleep on day 9 of my illness and woke up feeling like the fog was lifiting. Spending a week under the weather feels like being wrapped in a stifling blanket. No talking, no moving, clearing mucus, a general dull sense of pain that never really seems to get better despite the dayquil, nyquil, and constant doses of ibuprofen. being sick helps us to realize how grateful to be when we are in good health.
Today is day three of finally being back to reasonable health and my body is hungry for activity, it's like my vessel has regained it's freedom and is yearning to stretch and play.
So, I did January dry until i failed the last week (womp womp), and now have restored more healthy drinking habits(win). I have to watch myself closely, however, as my boredom can easily lead me into distracting myself with wine or beer. Numbing ourselves does not make the pain go away.
I've been losing weight. I've done my taxes. The laundry continues to cycle. Life has become so comfortable that it feels really restraining. I work long days, often filled with boredom. I come home and kill braincells in front of TV. My days have become a long slog of waiting for something to happen.
An internal shift happened over the last couple of days, however. My mind and body have decided that they cannot take any more wintering. The sun shines, and we are gradually being lifted out of our cold snap here. I have made some subconscious and conscious decisions the get some balls rolling.
I'm entertaining the concept of having a lover, which is an extremely emotionally involved topic. I've met someone, I am excited about it, and now have to keep reminding myself that my internal self and ways of thinking are not obvious to outsiders. I have to start speaking clearly about what I want, and that's just fine. I should probably be exercising clear and concise modes of communication across all of my relationships.
I have a job lined up and will be making the journey back to Wisconsin for next summer. This opportunity has served as a beacon for what's coming next. it is a light at the end of the winter tunnel. I was accepted into a position that makes me feel very honored and will be finally working with the arts community. The service industry has chewed me up and spit me out and I am ready to be surrounded by artists. I am certain that i will find inspiration.
My creative practice (which i put to bed when i decided to move here in May) is finally starting to demand being addressed again. Last night i painted and got lost in time and may have made one of the first paintings i'm proud of in months. THANK GOD!
I've become interested in dreams and dream-like states, and how these forms of subconscious thinking affect our realities. I've been within my own world for about 9 months now and feel like the experience I've gained from extreme solitude has begun to inform the way that I approach social environments. I am nervous, i don't trust as readily, i am the neglected cat at the shelter. Jittery, scared, paranoid, and unprepared to let people in. Humans are social creatures, and i have accidentally put myself into a sensory deprivation chamber. I am a tiger pacing it's enclosure. Wild animals in captivity are prone to bouts of depression and erratic behavior. hello??
https://wildlife-biodiversity.com/index.php/jwb/article/view/289
I'll probably make some art about zoochosis-maybe dive into it as a body of work
I am beginning to stop gnawing at the bars of my enclosure. It's time for me to start emerging out of my shell, finding out who I have become after this long break.
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