Winds of change: our forecast says spring is here. We don't have freezing temps predicted for the next couple of weeks. Rain, clouds, sunshine, the breeze carries a whisper of warmth. Summer teases us.
With it comes the personal changes. Summer in Wisconsin calls to me, but the ties I've made in Maine are starting to become taught. I'm in reflection mode. Am I ready to leave? Short answer is Maybe....The long answer remains complicated. the sea whispers sweet nothings to me, begging me to come back. I promise her I will, but am committed to leading this life of a drifter for a while, I must continue to build a solid foundation for myself to live from. I NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE ARTS!!!!! The Atlantic is a special beast, she is unforgiving and has some sort of dark magic. As the sun breaks beyond the clouds and reflects off the water, she reminds me that she carries a sense of dreaming magic, too.
I am a dreamer. I dream of the struggle of pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I've dreamt of self perseverance, making it through the thick brush of being an artist. Lately, my dreams have lately become grounded in comfort. This companionship and deeply felt love I've slipped into over the last few months has reminded me that I am capable of wanting care without asking for it. For ages i've found some sick pleasure in the struggle of doing everything independently. Now, I am reveling in the easy way that this person cares for me. I have been shown that I can be loved without having to beg for it- or rather pay for it- with my own emotional hardship. Will going back to Wisconsin shake me out of this otherworldly feeling? Or will my time at home ground me deeply in my need to be back to the sea, back to this place that has shown me so much over the last year?
The people here have been begging me to stay, asking why I must leave. I tell them now that I will return, but hopefully as a further changed and weathered version of myself.
5 year plan, 10 year plan, goals goals goals. it's a cloud that hangs over every blossoming young person. What do we want in a world that is so unpredictable? Living lives that balance precariously in an environment of economic struggle. Where is the pleasure? And what is the pleasure? Is it money? For me, it is right now, but not in the terms of material things. Having the money allows for me to find great security in my rather un-secure life. Ive made myself a safety net of savings, I've built myself a soft mattress to land on, although I hope I never have to use it. An income binds us to continuing a job, but it also teases the notion that our money can lead us to great places. Paying for meals, travel expenses, places to stay, etc etc. But will I ever use my money for these things? I am sitting currently like a dragon on a pile of gold. My money goes to savings and student debt solely. I dream for the day when those payment needs are satisfied and I can begin to use my wages to pay for travel and life.
I dream I dream I dream. Maine's warm winds tease me. I dream of having my own place by the sea. I dream of sharing it with someone. I dream of being able to afford time off to travel around the country. I dream of my financial crash pad evolving into a place to come back to. I dream of delicious meals made from a garden in my backyard. Of chickens clucking and relying on me as their care taker. I dream of billowing sheets on my own clothesline. I dream of someone I love building me a studio on the water. I dream, dream, dream. I dream of comfort, of an easy and fulfilling lifestyle. I dream of having more time to create and paint. I dream of traveling and having gallery shows over weekends, and coming back to a home that is mine. I dream of a space where I can finally take a deep and refreshing breath.
Twenty Two years old, and my aspirations for my future have shifted away from a life of chaos into a life of steadiness and plentifulness. My goals are no longer set on fame, but rather on pursuing passion. This shift in mindset has startled me, I never expected to crave settling down so soon! But I want to own the toilet I shit in so bad. I want to choose the color my walls are. I want my cabinets to be full of my own dishes. I yearn to have to fix my own broken home.
But these aspirations must wait until I'm thoroughly satisfied with the life I'm living now. I am not ready for these dreams yet, I feel like a sailor who is not ready to be off the boat yet, but who is growing excited for a future on land.
Today I dream, and it is through these dreams that I find a sense of hope. I want to taste every flavor before I know which is my favorite. Right now, however, the sweet taste of sea salt, cedar sided houses, and air dried cotton sheets is making it's way to being my favorite yet. Even with all of the suffering I have endured here, my nostalgia for every single ounce of joy i've had in this place is alluring and reminding me of how a good life is also filled with great endurance and struggle.
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